In Delaware, it’s illegal to shave cats and sell their fur. In Alaska, it’s illegal to get a moose drunk. In Colorado, putting a couch in a bonfire is illegal.

Missouri Rep. Francis “Bud” Barnes, R-Kirkwood, a proud product of University City schools, once gifted me a book on strange proposals and laws from all across America. I wish Bud was still around to see the antics of state Rep. Mike Moon, R-Ash Grove.

Moon beheaded a chicken in 2017 for a Facebook post to show his support for anti-abortion laws. More recently, he proposed that we not allow the refurbished 10-foot statue of the Roman God Ceres from 1924 to be put back atop the Capitol Dome in Jefferson City.

Moon wrote Gov. Mike Parson to say he feels Ceres, god of grain, is a pagan deity and an affront to all Christians. After reading about this “false god,” I took off for a shopping trip to Schnucks. Once there, I was shocked to find all these pagan gods represented at the “friendliest store in town.”

Here was this guy getting out of his Saturn in the store parking lot. He was wearing Nikes. His shoes are named for the Greek god of victory and his car is named for the Roman god of harvest.

I followed this would-be pagan into the store and he headed straight to the candy aisle. Do you know what he reached for when he got there? Mars bars named for the Roman god of war. Milky Ways! Kit Kats! Snickers!

Speaking of snickers, Missouri newspapers have had a field day with Moon, whose name is associated with the Goddess Luna. Moon must stop being so loony or, at least, stop using that lunar name, according to some state papers.

Bet Against City Slickers

Before making too much fun of out-state politicians, I am reminded of Bud Barnes’ wise words: “Make fun of the boys from the sticks all you want, but they’ll get the best of us city slickers every time.”

Barnes has proven correct too often. Ash Grove calls the shots for the metropolitan areas. This explains why property taxes for schools stay so high in this region.

Many of our local public schools are lucky to get 5 or 10% of their funding from the state. They have to depend on property taxes. Out-state schools get 20, 30 or 40% of their funding from the state. Take that in the pocket, city slickers!

It’s no secret that our more populated metro regions are more progressive on issues such as reproductive rights and sensible gun laws. But Mr. Moon has a lot more to say about these issues than a legislator from University City.

On reproductive freedom, we have among the most restrictive laws in all of America. Missouri women face severe prohibitions on reproductive choice, even in cases of rape and incest.

On guns, it’s just the opposite. We have among the least restrictive laws in all of America. Gov. Parson came to the big city a few weeks ago to talk about a gun violence crisis. He made some noise about supporting sensible gun laws, but all we are hearing now is crickets.

Parson also sold the big city out on the MLS Soccer expansion. He once made noise in favor of $30 million in tax credits for the sports effort – a needed boost after St. Louis took it on the chin in its pro football franchise quest.

“But when it came time to turn talk to walk, Parson pulled a disappearing act,” noted the Post-Dispatch in a sports story titled: “Parson is a soccer blocker.”

We now have a candidate for governor who grew up in the metro area, understands its needs, and appreciates its economic power.

Gov. Parson hails from Bolivar with major employers like R-1 Schools, the Walmart Supercenter, the cutting-edge Duck Creek Technologies and Southwest Baptist University.

In spite of this strange disconnect, Parson has all the campaign cash and the favorable opinion poll numbers.

It boggles the mind how the tail wags the dog in this state. The city slickers don’t seem to have what it takes – can’t outsmart the soccer blockers and the pagan battlers of the Missouri sticks.