So there I was last week, glued to the impeachment hearings, thinking about becoming a congressperson.

I don’t mean professionally. Why, I’d need a whole new wardrobe just to accommodate the lapel pins.

Also, as seen on TV, these people wear an inordinate number of hard hats. Do you know what those do to the hair? I could NEVER be a real congressperson.

Of course, by the end of the hearings, I was also thinking about becoming a foreign-born diplomat with expertise in Russian and Ukrainian affairs. Now THESE are people who know how to dress for the occasion. Unfortunately, it’s not practical. You must be super smart for those jobs.

So I’ll stick with my original idea, congressperson. With my opening statement complete, I now yield the floor to your questions.

Q: So what do you like about congresspeople?

A: I like how they use parliamentary procedure. It could come in very handy sometimes.

Q: Like when?

A: Like at family gatherings, holiday parties, your Uncle Larry’s annual turkey shoot-and-fry, that sort of thing. The evidence will show that Thanksgiving is one of the riskiest days of the year for rational discourse.

Q: How would it work?

A: All it would take is for you or, in my case, me, to arrive at Thanksgiving dinner acting all congressional.

Q: How would people know?

A: For one thing, we’d be wearing our lapel pins. We’d also enlist an entourage of nieces and nephews to block and tackle relatives looking to ask intrusive and/or inappropriate questions as we make our way to the dining room. Once there, we’d simply place our name placard at the head of the table and pull out the Bible in our coat pocket.

Q: So you’ll be leading a Thanksgiving prayer?

A: Sure. Once everyone has been placed under oath.

Q: And you think everyone will just go along with all of this?

A: I would hope so. Especially after we remind them that they agreed to these rules previously in House Resolution 660.

Q: You really think this approach will eliminate disputes?

A: The gentleman is not recognized.

Q: What?

A: I said the gentleman is not recognized. The gentleman will suspend.

Q: Huh?

A: This is what we’ll say when someone is out of order. And see, it worked! You are now speechless.

Q: What if everyone ignores you?

A: I understand that a California company has launched a limited-edition, fast-acting cannabis-infused gravy, just in time for the holidays. The gravy’s special ingredients absorb directly into the soft tissue of the stomach. Serve it and, two to 15 minutes later, the defense will rest.

Q: I have no further questions.