A shocking discovery was made last week. Researchers performing DNA testing sought to dig up the founder of the Barnum & Baily Circus, P.T. Barnum.

“I wasn’t sure what I was seeing was really what I was seeing,” said one professional digger on the scene.

Allegedly, diggers were about half-way down when they came across a complete set of hand bones. They appeared to be moving slightly, but it was initially believed to be “just the light playing tricks on them.”

The more they dug, the more bones they found, intact, a full skeleton with one hand reaching upwards. They were indeed moving a little! The bones were exhumed, kept intact and sent off to a lab where they still slightly move to this day.

Here’s where the story gets weird: As researchers kept digging, they found that a hole had been clawed through the coffin lid, as though something inside had desperately clawed its way out.

At that point the entire coffin was removed and inspected. What they found inside would surely break the internet. A futuristic, almost alien telegram was found under the silk pillow. It read:

“Dear P to the T,

We regret to inform you that a quote you may have made many years ago has proven to be false. A sucker being born every minute was wildly off target. You see, there’s this thing called the internet now and what it has proven, time and time again, is that in reality it seems a sucker is born every second, they are all over the world, and they are being led around like lemmings into unthinkable stupidity. You need to get up here pronto, it’s a gold mine! No rules, nothing’s taboo. The most ignorant of the ignorant have bigger followings and more of an influence than Abraham Lincoln and Helen Keller combined. Followers do what they are told, no questions asked ... and they’ll send money! You could really clean up!”

News of the event traveled fast. Of course there was some clapback, but shortly after the last thrown shade had fallen ... along came a tweetstorm.


This column is the third in a series chronicling how the rise of the internet has had a negative impact on journalism and society in general.